Last year’s Eurovision live tweet / blog review was mostly a result of watching the final partly out of boredom and partly in protest against a) my granny hanging up on me mid-conversation so she could watch it and b) my general annoyance with the event and everybody being all excited about it. And it turned out to be a lost more fun than I’d thought. Mostly because the entertainment factor was greatly enhanced by the integration of twitter into the viewing experience.

So this year I’m actually quite looking forward to watching the final. (Boyfriend looks less than thrilled.)

And here we go.

Seeing the presenters brings back painful memories of watching TV at home. Anke Engelke (the one in the dress that looks like she slaughtered a flock of swans and then rolled around in their blood-soaked feathers) was pretty much our first successful female comedian on TV. Which was enough for her to become famous, without actually being funny. And Stefan Raab, the butcher-turned-TV presenter who at some point started to consistently write / sing / produce the most appalling music, and yet somehow managed to become incredibly influential in the country’s music scene. The blonde – no clue. But she must be wearing at least twenty rolls of aluminium foil.

Anyway. Here are my thoughts while watching the 25 acts in the final, taken straight from my twitter timeline.

Finland: Aw. Save our planet. Yeah, and let’s all hold each other’s hands in a circle, with flowers in our hair, and peace on earth.

Bosnia & Herzegovina: Reggaeman on the right adds a minor funny factor to a remarkably bland performance.

Denmark: I bet Jedward didn’t expect someone else to show up with the same hairdo.

Lithuania: Well, someone had to do the big musical-theatrical ballad. With boobs & sign language added to appeal to wider audience.

Hungary: Celine Dion wannabe with gangsta dancers and a really big ring. (Nobody will remember Kate Middleton’s engagement ring after this.)

(“Now, you can laugh at Jedward.” Graham Norton has a point.)

Ireland: Well, they’ve got better jackets than the other guy with the same hair earlier. And a reasonably good looking set design.

Sweden: The pretty boy stole his one glove from the girl from Azerbaijan last year. And let’s not even talk about the song.

Estonia: Random numbers = always a good solution when you run out of lyrics. Well she’s always got her fashion design to fall back on. Er.

Greece: Please decide if you’re gangsta or pop ballad adonis. You confuse us.

Russia: “Spends the rest of his time in Grease: The Musical” (courtesy of boyfriend)

France: Ravel had that beat first. And Andrea Bocelli already owns the rest of whatever this is trying to be.

Italy: This song is equally bland in French, Italian and English. But thanks for the translation anyway.

Time for a break. Blonde presenter has sneakily swapped aluminium foil dress #1 for aluminium foil dress #2.

Switzerland: Has got a nice voice. More importantly, she can hold a key and this is probably the least offensive song so far.

UK: They’ve got very shiny suits. Very shiny. Very. Shiny. This isn’t about songs, is it?

Moldova: This is almost a bit Rock & Roll. The hats are definitely very Rock & Roll. OMG UNICYCLE FAIRY! MOLDOVA WINS!

Germany: Within a year we go from “Oh, that was surprisingly good.” back to WTF were they thinking?? This feels like a German #ESC act again.

Romania: Someone could have told him he forgot to change out of his pajama pants. And the song causes nausea.

(Boyfriend has opted for the kitchen and dinner preparation.)

Austria: About time someone came out and did an a capella with a big voice. Lyrics are secondary. Oh, there’s a background track. Booh.

Azerbaijan: Song and staging match perfectly. Everything very floaty, washed out and a bit plain. Except now it’s raining sparkles.

Slovenia: A rare case of a singer wearing both gloves. But the act and outfit clash badly with the high-tech floral wallpaper.

Iceland: Oh-oh-oooh, it’s time to go. No, seriously.

Spain: Haven’t won #ESC since 1969. I don’t think Beaming Barbie can do anything to change that today.

Ukraine: I didn’t know this was a drawing competition. But Elvira, Mistress of the Purple, is doing a good job back there.

(I wonder if Ukraine’s singer got her shoulder flaps from the same swan that the presenter’s dress is made of.)

Serbia: I would comment, but the meatball spaghetti I just got served are way more interesting than this performance.

Georgia: Light metal girl in the weird dress would have been okay. If they hadn’t attempted the Linkin Park thing.

That’s it. On the results, they’re only on 17 of 43 countries voting, Germany is nowhere near winning, and this year’s final was completely boring anyway, so I can’t be arsed anymore. Good night.