I don’t usually watch the Eurovision Song Contest. Why? Let me say it with the words of Jon Bon Jovi, ca. 2003:
Eurovision? Oh, it was amazing. Twenty-seven bad songs.
(Well, probably about as many bad songs as you’ve put out in the last decade, sweetheart.)
But this year I’m watching Eurovision. Why? Mostly because my grandma just ditched me on the phone to go watch Eurovision. And I figured I can’t be less informed than my grandma.
So here’s me watching twenty-seven
okay, twenty-five bad songs. Which aren’t even all that bad so far. And since my remote Eurovision viewing company has ditched me, too, I’m having a little Eurovision twitter party all by myself. Like the little twitter slut I am.
And here goes my simultaneous attempt at blogging the whole thing live. Which is already kind of failing as the songs are too short to watch, listen, and tweet about them. I haven’t even got time to grab my coffee from the table across the room.
And I need to pee! Whatever happened to commercial breaks?
All right, we just have the pleasure of seeing Spain again (with that performance, I wouldn’t even have noticed something went wrong the first time!) so the live blogging has officially failed. But at least I can catch up now before the, uhm…exciting part starts.
Here’s the Girl with a Pen Eurovision re:View in 140 or less characters, brought to you straight from my twitter timeline:
- Azerbajan has a pretty glove. And needs dancing lessons.
- Spain has a ballerina in pink tights. SPAIN WINS!
- Norway goes rebel and decides to simply ditch the key. Also: zzzzzzz.
- Moldova: GAYTASTIC! 1.000.000 points!!!!!!!!
- In fact, Cyprus wins. Cyprus sounds a bit like James Morrison and has a gorgeous woman at the piano.
- Hmm. Bosnia and Herzegovina rock (well, in ESC terms at least). And they’re a bit gaytastic, too.
- Belgium: Love the title. Kermit and his guitar, not so much.
- OMG! Serbia! GAYTASTIC!!!!!!11 The male dancer’s pink gloves don’t make the song any less horrendous, though.
- Belarus: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz…OH WAIT, SPARKLY BUTTERFLY FAIRIES!!! Belarus wins!
- Oh, look, it’s the perfect pop ballad. Perfectly boring too, Ireland.
- Greece…Uh, gaytastic? Hrrruh. Hrrruh. Hoppa. Disco. Hoppa.
- And here’s the UK performing the definition of “out of key”.
- Aw, Georgia. You could have let the singer borrow some make-up from the boys.
- Someone should have told Turkey that mashing up metal and rap will send you burning in hell for all eternity. (Kudos to Turkey for attempting rock, though.)
- Albania‘s got awesome vocals. Shame they had to throw random disco beats on top.
- OMG IT’S THE DISCO WHALE! #Iceland
- Ukraine‘s got Little Sexy Emo Black and Red Riding Hood with the big voice and a slightly troubled relationship with the key.
- France brings us the perfect early-90s footbal cup hymn. About 10 years late.
- Right. More disco beats. Romania‘s piano is pretty fucking stylish, though. (Did the borrow the pianist girl from Cyprus?) AND THE PIANO’S ON FIRE!!!!!!!!!!!!
- Russia throws in a bit of snow in an attempt to make the singer look less ridiculous in his scarf. Aw, isn’t he the saddest little emo.
- I’ll make sure Armenia‘s Angelina clone gets home safely, k? She can stay with me.
- Ohkay, for the next 3 minutes I’m officially not German. And I’m doing exactly the same Need to Pee Dance that she’s doing there! To be fair, that was the least embarrassing German candidate I have seen in my lifetime.
[And right now it totally looks like we’re totally not losing this time! I’m now officially German again.]
- Portugal, you’re not Christina Aguilera. Which is probably a good thing. So stop trying. Please.
- Israel: And another pretty boy in a boring suit singing another piano ballad. With violins. Zzzzzzz.
- If Denmark‘s singer had a voice and haircut to go with his coat, he’d be super metal. Not with this song, though.
WE WIN! HELL YEAH!
I didn’t think Lena would stand a chance, to be honest. But that’s probably a result of having gotten used to the tradition of embarrassing German candidates doing an absolutely horrendous performance. Well, our girl Lena definitely did a good job compared to the last ten or so German acts I’ve seen at Eurovision. And isn’t she just the cutest!