Thank you so much.

Thank you for giving me a gift box of (apparently) 60 quids’ worth of Stuff I Did Not Ask For And Do Not Need. Especially the yo-yo and the neon stickers of Nintendo controls and ghetto blasters. (Tip for your marketing team: You might want to do some sort of survey of your customers’ average age next time.) And thank you also for the many little bags full of little cards advertising Orange extras I already know about thanks to you pestering me by text all the time. And finally, thank you for the ugly headphones, which I can’t even use with my new phone as you’ve been considerate enough not to include an adaptor. So basically, thanks for a whole bin bag full of pormotional rubbish, and for the pleasure of carrying it all home in a ridiculously oversized box during Tube rush hour.

I really, really appreciate it.

I would have appreicated it even more if I had been sold my new Tocco Lite at the price at which it was actually advertised in your shop, rather than being offered a phone for £79 and then, after spending half my lunch break going through all the paperwork and stuff, being informed just as I was about to pay, that actually the price had gone up to £89 this morning. Which, apparently, nobody in your lovely Fleet Street store bothered to check before or while offering me said phone at the old price.

But never mind. At least you’ve made up for it all with a big box of useless things.