Who the F cares why Michelle Obama is wearing fake lashes and what The Times has to say about it?

In an utterly amazing instance of investigative journalism, Times Online has dedicated an article to the question why Michelle Obama is wearing false eyelashes.

I only made it halfway through their analysis, because my heart was sinking rapidly along with my respect and passion for journalism – the profession to which I have dedicated my future, pretty much all my money, and endless months of hard training.

I’m by no means an expert, but let me humbly offer my own answer to this internationally significant question: Why is Michelle Obama wearing false eyelashes?

Well. JUST BECAUSE.

Because just like some people wear make-up, and some wear mascara, so some people sometimes, or always, or occasionally, wear fake lashes. Big deal. Let’s investigate. Let’s dedicate a news story to it. And let’s throw a sack of random scandal-scented phrases like “D-list celebrities”, “drag-act divas” and “unapologetically fake” at it, too, to make the whole affair sound a little more tacky and report-worthy.

And let’s not forget to stir in a handful of subtle promotional references (read: stuff half of the article with unapologetically blatant product placement, plus online shopping links for your convenience).

Okay, I’ve read the whole article now. Not so much for its, uhm, “news value” as for the sake of a proper rant.

And now you’ll have to excuse me. I need to catch up on the news.